Logic is killing me

Logic is killing me.

A few years back I took part in a True Colours workshop.  Participants would answer various questions about how they would react in a situation or how they would prefer to work, for instance.  The woudl then score themselves and determine their dominant and secondary colours.  There were only four designations, but multiple combinations, giving a similar number of "personalities" to the more established Myers Briggs grid.

I discovered I was green, with a hint of orange.  This meant I am "logical", but with a hint of maverick.  The point of the exercise was understand not only yourself, but also your co-workers, and presumably be better equipped to work with those who were wired differently.  And it certainly did help - the woman who was gold (super organized) seemed less annoying the next time she stuck rigidly to a timetable, while I was less confused about how some of my coworkers seemingly disregarded our training about having a tour plan, when I realized a few of them, being orange (again, the maverick) were pretty much incapable to any sort of planning or basic timekeeping.  I was even able to understand my own mother better when I saw in her an interesting combo of blue (helping) and gold (organized), basically the opposite (but complement) of me.

As for myself, even though I had long ago determined I was INTP, it was enlightening to realize despite my knowledge I was "logical" I was still about 15 % rebel.  This explained a lot about myself I had never quite been able to put my finger on and many of my life choices.  When I was in grade 10 we learned basic computer programming code.  (FYI This was the 1980s - we were working on Texas instrument calculators.) You wrote numbered lines of code to create a sequence of actions for the computer to execute.  We were instructed to number each line  as a multiple of 10 (10, 20, 30, etc), which would leave space for any additions in between (at say 15 or 25).  I thought this was boring, so I picked random numbers for my code (8, 12, 17, 23).  This didn't affect the execution of the code.  However, it did make taking up homework in class challenging, as I had to figure out which of my lines corresponded with the ones the teacher had written.

(Further digression: In fashion I noted all the trends, and while I more or less followed them, I didn't want to appear remotely trendy - I would go out of my way to find a different version of what everyone was wearing - purple suede moccasins instead of brown leather; squishy leather ankle boots instead of tall ones.  It was a lot of work, and I was still never confident I was getting it right.  Eventually, I discovered the solution was to take on a "rocker" aesthetic.  No one at my small private high school wore black biker jacket and Joan Jett shag but me.  The need to belong to a teenage "tribe" was fulfilled by hanging out with the stoners from the local high school - I wasn't quite "of" either set of people, so I never had to feel like a follower.  The downside of course, was that I never quite developed a strong set of friends in either place.  But that's another story...

 And that was it.  I didn't think too much about it again until recently when I had another bright insight.  I've long been aware of many of my quirks - I'm always running a few minutes late (magically imagining I can teleport myself to where I need to be); I'm frequently bored - I need to work on several things at once, I need to have my work be a bit different each shift; I am never 100% prepared for anything - I'm good at noticing and following up on details, but I get "antsy" before I'm truly finished getting ready for a presentation - I get to just good enough, then figure I'll wing it.  On one hand this last one means I can be flexible and change things up on the fly - I almost welcome the challenge.  But then the big realization: these were all interconnected.  I left things unfinished because THAT gave me the stimulation I crave.  When I''m doing things last minute, on the fly or just making them up it gives me a mental workout.  It's that rebel thing again.)

So logic.  I freak people out.  First it was my younger sister.  Whenever we argued, she would run out of arguments and start hurling personal insults - "Well at least I'm pretty."  Later it was my husband - again, although he is a lawyer, he gets completely emotional whenever we argue and he counters any of my arguments with personal invective ("I think you just like being mad at me!").  It came to a head this year, when someone I am on a committee with sent me a series of extremely vitriolic emails decrying my arrogance and controlling nature.  I couldn't figure out what had triggered this and what quite perplexed.  Then a friend explained that it was logic.  My ability to grasp things quickly and present a cogent analysis is intimidating for many people.  This one person was so put off she responded to my "threat" with a pre-emptive attack.  Suddenly things made sense.  While many people are happy to recommend me as capable and sensible, she saw me as arrogant and presumptuous.

I once thought being able to make a clear argument was a good thing.  People always urged me to become and lawyer.  I indeed went to law school, based on my LSAT aptitude, which was basically being logical.  However, law school was a completely different creature, and the practice of law even more so.  I soon discovered by inability to manage details was going to be a detriment to a legal career, when missing a deadline or a case citation will cause a client to lose money or go to jail.  I abandoned that career path for event planning (short term projects that change frequently) and eventually instructing and touring (short bursts I can change up when and how I like).

A recent book (The Enlightenment and Why It Still Matters by Anthony Pagden - see the Guardian review) has put this into a larger perspective.  The author posits basically that the minds behind the Enlightenment believed the world's ills could be solved with reason.  As the subsequent centuries have shown, however, reason eventually takes a back seat to emotion.  In fact, humans resist it, much as my husband resists anything his gut hasn't told him is true.  It can be seen in today's politics.  Toronto mayor Rob Ford and  US tea Party politicians plays to those who find egghead politicians suspect and "elite".  Basic evidence of unfitness and untruths won't change what they know in their guts to be true.  Arguing or even questioning is pointless; instead it becomes simply slinging well-rehearsed and unalterable phrases back and forth to the point of exhaustion.

Still I believe logic has its place - as long as it's tempered with patience and empathy  - and buffered with a thick skin!